Take That

My greatest fear is we're just wasting tears
Wasting several years, still being round here
My greatest fear is maybe you will notice
I'm not what you wanted after all these years

But I, I've got a very big hope for us
I'm gonna keep looking up for us
It's been a difficult year
And I, I still wanna make love with you
So where do we go from here?
What do you want from me?
What do you want from me?
I, I still think I belong with you,
I still wanna belong to you
So what do you want from me
What do you want from me now?

Your greatest fear is we're not getting wiser,
We're not wise at all
It's getting harder, harder to recover
From the night before, when you turn me on
But I, I like to think of us moving on
I like to think of us getting on
So answer me where do we go from here,
Where do we go?

Because I, I still wanna get old with you
I still want us to grow
What do you want from me?
What do you want from me?
I, I still think I'm in love with you
I still feel you're the one
So what do you want from me,
What do you want from me now?

Has it crossed your mind we might already know?
If we only let it go?

Yeah I, I still wanna have sex with you
I still wanna go out with you
So what do you want from me?
What do you want from me?
I, I think some days we're beautiful
I think some days we're not
So what do you want from me?
What do you want from me now?

Let's make it positive
What do you want from me?
What do you want from me now?
We're making progress here, so where shall we go?
What do you want from me?
What do you want from me now?

Digging a hole

"Don’t dig a foundation where you don’t plan to build a house."

Tumultus

She reads the signs.
Bins the good ones and
hangs on to the bad ones.

She is numb and aching all over at the same time.

This place is no good.
That place is worse and
the third place is inaccessible.
Out of reach.
Close but far.
The door remains shut.

She is out of control.
Shaken down to the core.
Bouncing from one feeling to the next.
Craving for the calm and quiet she once felt.

Easy

"Me, difficult? No... I just know what I want."

A perfectly good thing

"How does it feel like?"

"It's like throwing paint on a painting by Picasso."

"It's like adding salt to a dessert at the Fat Duck."

"It's like burning a pile of cash."

"It's like ripping apart a brand new Karen Millen dress."

"It's like travelling all the way to the Maldives and never leaving the hotel room."

"It's like buying a bottle of Château Latour and using it to make beef bourguignon."
"It's like throwing in a towel when you are winning."
"It's like abandoning a newly found treasure that you have been searching all your life."

"It feels like having to ruin a perfectly good thing."

Self-sufficient

She needs no one.
Not her parents, not her siblings, not her friends and most certainly not the man she has shared her life and home with for the past few years.

She is self-sufficient.
A bit of a freak of nature in fact, for humans - her being the exception of course - have a universal need to belong and be cared for.
But she is beyond all that (and damned proud about it too!), beyond bonding, belonging, attachment, love, emotional support and fear of losing someone.
"How can you fear losing someone you didn't want or need in the first place?"
She needs no one.

Her relationship with him is nothing but an arrangement.
Something for now.
"For as long as it feels good", she thinks and doesn't understand why he makes such a big fuss about it.
She does not understand even though she knows that a belief in our partner's commitment forms the basis of trust in a relationship.
She needs no trust.
She needs no commitment.
Where was he to go anyway?

"I don't know if I want to be with you in the future, I can not make any promises", she tells him.
"A relationship is not an intrinsic value you see", she concludes, looking at him gently.
Yes, she is honest and honesty is important to him. For as long as she is honest, she is doing nothing wrong.
"Take me as I am. Take it or leave it, your choice."

If she was a man, she'd be considered a true gentleman.
Honourable and well-mannered.
And if he was to decide he no longer can take the uncertainty and feelings of unimportance, she would naturally want to stay friends with him.
She'd be like a parent proudly waving of her child  about to jump off a cliff.
"If that is what you really want to do honey! Go for it! Jump! Farewell! Bye bye!"

She would graciously give him time to get his things sorted, she would help him pack and send him on his way. Practical matters are easy to deal with, and breaking up would be a practical matter to her, not an emotional one.
"Good bye! Be well. See you later. No hard feelings", she would say and smoothly move forward with her life.

She wants the world to be her oyster. All options open.
And although she is happy with him, quite fond of him even, he could never give her all that she wants.
He would be a hinderance, an impediment, a handicap and an obstruction.

She looks herself from the mirror and smiles satisfied.
"I'm worthy. I am important. I am great, if not perfect, and I need no one."

The same size

"I know you are not interested, but I'll show these ultrasound pictures to you anyway", she said.

"The baby is probably a boy and 18 centimetres long."

"The same size than a large penis then", I replied.

Nearly perfect

"You have perfect legs and you're nearly perfect".

Supposedly.

Admittedly.